A Psychologist Explains The ‘Possessive Accomplice Paradox’

“Mate worth” is one thing that many people intuitively perceive and contemplate in romantic relationships even when we don’t explicitly verbalize it. In easy phrases, an individual’s mate worth is a measure of how fascinating they’re as a companion, based mostly on their bodily traits, social attributes and what they bring about to the desk in a relationship.

After we discover ourselves romantically drawn to somebody due to their kindness, intelligence or humorousness, we’re making a unconscious analysis of whether or not somebody may very well be match for us within the long-term. Usually talking, the upper we understand our companion’s mate worth to be, the more durable we are going to struggle for them to remain within the relationship.

This tends to occur by means of two forms of “mate retention” behaviors:

1. Profit-inducing behaviors. This entails doing issues to make our companions not need to lose the “profit” of being with us. These behaviors may embody giving items, showering them with affection and so forth.
2. Value-inflicting behaviors. This entails doing issues to make our companions really feel as if it’s “pricey” to depart us. For instance, we might (consciously or unconsciously) mock or ridicule them in entrance of their potential future companions who we’re threatened by.

At first look, these two approaches appear to be drastically totally different. However, with possessiveness particularly, the road between being possessive and confidently “guarding” what is efficacious to you appears to blur. This will likely have loads to do with how we worth ourselves and our companion within the relationship market. So, this brings us to the query:

Is Possessiveness Ever Warranted? If So, How Ought to It Be Expressed?

We all know being overly possessive or jealous of your companion typically doesn’t finish nicely. This can be a kind of cost-inflicting mate retention habits, most of which ends up in poor relationship satisfaction, based on a 2022 paper revealed in PLOS ONE.

As analysis from the final decade has discovered, how we categorical our emotions of possession over a companion can range from benefit-inducing to cost-inflicting relying on how our mate worth matches with our companion’s mate worth. This, in flip, has a major impression on how happy we’re within the relationship, too.

In truth, there’s a case to be made for delicate possessiveness, which is simply doable when mutual mate worth similarity encourages companions to work equally laborious to retain one another, fostering a constructive relationship local weather.

In line with the paper, delicate shows of possessiveness, like public alerts of dedication, might contribute positively to the connection. This may very well be one thing so simple as placing up a show image of you and your companion sharing a “couple-y” second collectively in your Instagram profile.

For instance, consider a state of affairs the place your high-value companion is upset over one thing at work. A need to be the primary individual to consolation your companion is a delicate type of possessiveness that stems from a spot of care and concern. It’s about eager to be there to your companion to supply emotional assist and reassurance. If the tables have been turned, and it was you who was upset over one thing, your companion would seemingly really feel the identical manner in the event that they understand you to be a high-value companion.

That is totally different from controlling or dominating habits, which is commonly related to destructive types of possessiveness. This can be seen extra in relationships the place there’s a worth imbalance between the companions. For instance, in case your companion feels they’re of a decrease mate worth in comparison with you, they might be inclined to make use of cost-inflicting possessive habits to retain you.

Conclusion

It’s essential to do not forget that possessiveness, even delicate types of it, must be based mostly on mutual respect and understanding. It’s essential that each companions really feel comfy with the extent of possessiveness within the relationship and that it doesn’t infringe on their particular person autonomy or private area. Should you and your companion have comparable mate values, constructive and mutual types of possessiveness come extra simply, and this will help your relationship final.

Anxious in case your romantic possessiveness is uncontrolled? Take the next character check to gauge how a lot management you could have and may need in a relationship: Relationship Management Scale